I am approaching a year since I visited my doctor and she helped create a plan to lose weight and gain health. I’ve lost 36 pounds total in these last 10 months. I’ve had good moments, I’ve had mediocre moments, I’ve had embarrassingly bad moments but overall the pounds are going away.
And that is just a ruler. A comparative tool that I use to monitor that I am changing my body for the better.
What’s really changed is how I feel. How I feel about myself, about my body, about my mental health, about my self esteem. Self-Esteem. Such an interesting word, I don’t hold my physical self with much, if any, esteem. At least until recently.
Last night as I was working through a hard stretch of BUTI yoga, the sweat covering my skin like I just stepped out of the pool, I pulled myself up and did what I could do without admonishment, without belittling, WITH JOY. I forced my grimace into a smile. I forced a small laugh to come out of my mouth. After, as I laid in savasana and let my eyes lose focus, the thought passed through that, “this is the rest of your life”. Typically this fills me with dread, with anger, with exhaustion. Last night it lifted me higher than I’ve felt in a long while.
It’s starting to set in that this isn’t about me losing any weight. It’s not about looking any certain way. It’s about me enjoying my body and what it can do. It’s about me acknowledging my weaknesses, embracing them occasionally, and doing better the next time. It’s not a punishment to wake up at 5:15 to get to the gym. It’s not a chore to stay in Goddess whilst spiraling your hips for way longer than your thighs really want to. These are the necessary tools that I use to remind myself that my body is an active, thriving, ecology of muscle. I must remind these muscles of their worth, their purpose, and push them to do more.
Laying in savasana, I saw myself years from now- the tribe will be different- people will come and people will go- the space will be different- the instructors will change- but I was there. I was a nebulous ball of energy, I was inside of myself so I couldn’t see myself, couldn’t judge what the future me will look like– but I know what she felt like.
Confident. Assured. Powerful. Dynamic.
That fills me with great wonder and joy, and THAT means more than 36 pounds ever could.