Being a Bad Mid-Western Woman

Usually, I have it under control.  I can breathe through the difficulty and rise above petty grievances.  However, at this moment I’m being a Bad Mid-Western Woman.

My fuse is pre-lit and I’m looking for a chance to explode.  Just give me the opportunity to sigh, to passive aggressively roll my eyes, to clinch my fists and scream internally at my frustrations with your existence.

And yes, your words of “comfort” reminding me of what I have and admonishing me for being frustrated and unhappy when I have so much to be happy for, is perfect fodder for this fire.

Because this isn’t based on any rational expectations.  My unhappiness isn’t tied to my life or my actions.  It’s springing from some genetic code, some chemical embalance, some erratic sleep patterns and bad eating habits.  It’s only connected to who I am like cancer is to a cancer patient.  It isn’t me, but something inhabiting me.

You’re “comfort” only enhances the disconnect.

I could list the wonderful things that surround me.  The beautiful friendships, the loving relationships, the hopeful opportunities and life altering experiences.  I can list to my heart’s content… because my heart is content. Something outside of this is listless, out of control, malcontent and dangerous.

And this is making me the Bad Mid-Western Woman I am being.  The guilt piling itself in the corner as I hover, hands over my ears, watching the plates slowly stop spinning and come crashing to the ground.

For no reason.  For no pleasure.  Just because.

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5 Responses to Being a Bad Mid-Western Woman

  1. btg5885 says:

    Everyone has that “bad midwestern person” feeling, so you are not alone. Go do something you enjoy doing by yourself. Take in a movie. Go to a museum. Go to a park. Go to a restaurant you like, but your husband does not. We all need some “me” time to recharge our batteries. That will help turn that pre-lit flame down. For me, I love a hike in the woods or doing some spur of the moment. Take care, BTG

  2. Yeah. This. Sometimes it just feels good to throw something, or yell at the dog. For a short while.

    • Ironically, both of these happened this morning and have only added to my guilt ridden psyche. But boy, did it feel good in that moment!

      • Yeah, the guilt. I know that subject well. I have learned not to squeal the tires leaving the house, lol. But the poor ol’ dog…

        Off-topic – I’m curious: as a Midwesterner, do you look outside first when a tornado warning goes off?

      • Ha! Once the Warning goes off I just go down stairs, but usually you can tell the tornado is possible because the sky is green and still, so you go outside and watch that awesomeness for a bit until the sirens go off and then you grab those poor ol’ doggies and head to the basement!

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