Throwback Thursday #12: 2002

Journal Entry Feb 27th 2002

Journal Entry Feb 27th 2002


i ask for love-he has so much
to give-yet memories make
vomit sit in my throat
His smell is enough to let
it seep out of my nose
His touch burns my skin.
so I push away.  What do
I fear by having him?
I love singularity the
freedom of one.  I don’t
need another soul- Yet,
at night crying- my pillow
soaked- I squeeze my hand
around my breast til it
stings-dreaming of lips to
ease the pain but my
breasts are too small or my neck
not long enough & there
are just somethings you
need someone else to
help you with.  Yet I ask
for this loneliness  I plead
for it whenever he’s near
yet the moment I’m alone
it feels so vast I can’t
get back.  Toss in my
sleep Run from the
light I just keep running
til my feet get tired
Yet I always find the
stamina to keep running
like a wild horse I
scream & kick, yet wait
for my trainer to tame me.

I was 21.  I’ve moved past He Who Shall Not Be Named and I had met Randy.  A gentle, loving music teacher in a small Ozark town.  He played saxophone for some jam bands in the city and I met him at the head shop I worked at.  He came in the store, looking for a “tobacco pipe” and I helped him.  He came back to ask me to dinner and drinks after work and I said yes.  He was an amazingly sweet and generous human being, and someone I could see a future with, and yet I pushed him away constantly.  He was older, about 12 years older, he toured with the Grateful Dead and had bought this cute bungalow in the Ozark hills where I would go with Red Dog and his dog Blue and we would hike naked in the acres upon acres of land behind his property.  He asked me to marry him.  But, I was 21.  I wanted to travel the world, experience my own pitfalls and failures, exceed my own heights and dreams.  He wanted a wife, someone to be step-mother to his 5-year-old daughter from his first marriage.  Although I could see that life, paved and lit before me as an obvious choice… I declined.  As a young 21-year-old that couldn’t tell the truth in fear of hurting him, I said that I didn’t want to move from St. Louis and that the small Ozarkian town was too small.  Two months later he walks into Sunshine Daydream and tells me he quit his job at the high school in Bunker to teach at a middle school in St. Louis and he put money down on a house in South City St. Louis.  It breaks my heart to even read or type this… I still feel like the biggest dick in the world.

The only picture I have of Randy and I.

The only picture I have of Randy and I.

When he came in to ask me to marry him, yet again, with his new job and house… It was shortly after I had written this other piece:

Journal Entry from March/April 2002

Journal Entry from March/April 2002


What a weird fucking week- hell month! I’ve never felt more out of myself-its like the skin even feels stretched and my emotions- Fuck!  They are strained & pulled out of proportion  As I magnify anything I think or feel.  And it’s not that I miss You it’s that I miss the idea of an US and it’s just not healthy because the singular me doesn’t really fit w/ the singular you, So an us seems hardly feasible.  Hardly.  But I did enjoy us.  I did enjoy your voice & I would like to get to know you better.  I fear the chance has passed us by.  What a weird fucking week.

*Drawing of me sitting outside of The World’s Fair Pavilion in Forest Park

I remember this day so vividly… so purely.  It is one of my most intact memories, mostly because it was a day that forever changed my life.  Before Randy, there was a guy who worked for The Fund for Public Interest Research Group or The PIRGs.  I worked there for a stint, so I knew what he was doing as he stood outside of Sunshine Daydream, postcarding to save the environment.  On my smoke breaks, he would join me and we would talk about Phish and music and the PIRGs.  I gave him my number, inviting him to a show of my friend’s band  and would see him occasionally as he worked on the sidewalks of the Loop.

Months passed.  I met Randy and we started dating.  I reconnected with David from Indiana and we dated off and on during this time.  Then my phone rang.  The PIRG guy called and wanted to hang out.  We were going to a show, so I invited him to join me and my gal pal Charity.  Charity is a beautiful woman, so it wasn’t too surprising when he flirted with her all night and ignored me.  He came home with us and Charity passed out while he and I started talking… and talking… and one thing led to another and he ended up in my bed.  When I woke up he was already gone, headed to work.

I was off that day, but I was excited to see him again.  I felt that something pretty awesome had happened and thought he felt the same way.  I put on some clothes, put Red Dog on his leash and went to the Loop to run into him, and make plans for tonight.  When I got to the Loop he seemed very surprised to see me.  I told him that I had a great time last night and wanted to see him again tonight.  He stammered and blushed and said he wasn’t interested because “You kinda freaked me out”.

You kinda freaked me out.

Now, I don’t get turned down TOO often.  Shit, I just had a guy RELOCATE and CHANGE JOBS on the pretense that I wasn’t an assholey 21-year-old liar.  So, you can imagine how floored and dejected I was.  I just walked away stunned and went to Forest Park with Red Dog to reflect on this happening to me.  It’s when I wrote this piece about Mr PIRG.

After this, I went back home and Brad and Aubrey had some of their friends over.  I talked to Brad about it over cigarettes and beer and he said he was surprised that I didn’t just pursue it… he suggested to just get a 6 pack of beer and show up on his doorstep.

So I did.  I got a 6 pack of High Life.  I knew his roommate (long story- but we also dated).  I knew where he lived.  I knocked on the door and when his roommate got him for me I handed him the beer and said “I don’t give up that easily”.  His roommate said they were going out to the alley to play stickball; I said I’d pitch.  We cracked open beers I pitched to Mr. PIRG and his roommate played the field.  I spent the night and then he spent the night and rarely has a night passed since when we aren’t spending the night together.

That’s how I met Roland.

Roland and I at the Yale House doing dishes.  This is when we first started dating.

Roland and I at the Yale House doing dishes. This is when we first started dating.

Looking back on the events in my life, I am blessed to have such a vocal and honest gut instinct.  I usually know right away what is right or wrong, even when I still chose wrong.  Randy is an amazing human being and my life would have been nice and comfortable, but I knew it wasn’t right… I innately knew it wasn’t for me.  Roland wanted to push me away- and he was right, I did freak him out- because I freak most people out with my honesty and forthright nature.  But I knew something was different… that something was worth fighting for.

Roland Kate and I in Roland and Jason's backyard of their Loop Apartment.

Roland Kate and I in Roland and Jason’s backyard of their Loop Apartment.

Now in the 11 years that we have spent together, have I questioned that effort?  Have I questioned what I did to Randy and has a “what if” cropped up every now and again?  There are many mistakes in my life, but never anything I regret.  Do I wish I was mature and intelligent enough when I was 21 to handle things differently with Randy?  Of course, but I recognize that the choices I’ve made make me the complex and interesting person I am.  I also know how powerful it is to have connections to people that ground you.  Sometimes, you ignore your own gut and wallow in “I can’t”, and it takes someone who knows you better than you imagine to yell at you “You Can!”.  It would be sad to even think about what I would be like if Brad hadn’t given me that advice and if I hadn’t had the balls to follow through.  I don’t even want to hazard a guess.

Roland and I at one of our first dates at a place I miss SOOO much... the Hi-Pointe.

Roland and I at one of our first dates at a place I miss SOOO much… the Hi-Pointe.

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2 Responses to Throwback Thursday #12: 2002

  1. Roland Kerner says:

    I am very happy I was pursued!

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